My 3 1/2-year-old son, Will, and I went to see my grandmothers this morning at the nursing home where they both live. Although it had been a while since Will had gone, he knew exactly what to do when he got there.
He walked in toting a gerber daisy that I got for one of my grandmothers. He was so proud. "GiGi will be really surprised, won't she, Mamma," he asked on his way in the doors. I assured him that she would.
As we walked to her room, one of the sweet ladies that we always see who isn't always mentally sharp said hello. She started talking about how sweet Will was and how cute she was. She then extended her wrinkled hands in his direction, asking for a hug.
I was afraid of his response, prepared to see a frightened little boy overwhelmed by a stranger. Instead, Will walked up to her, put himself in her arms and even allowed her to kiss his forehead, most assuredly making her day.
When we saw both of my grandmothers - both of his great grandmothers - he was happy and jovial and full of life. He was happy and loving and kissed and hugged them both, which was totally uninitiated by me. As if his funny personality wasn't enough ... now he had me eating out of the palm of his hand with adoration at his thoughtful kindness to people who needed it the most.
Also while we were there, though, Will was somewhat ornery. As you can imagine, it is a funny joke to disobey Mommy when everyone is watching, especially when you are 3 1/2. I told him repeatedly to get out of the dirty floor and to stand up, to which he would fall limp and dissolve in giggles and he lay on the floor. I was no doubt irritated and scolded him.
As we walked out to the the car, he initiated a heart-felt apology.
"Mommy, I'm sorry I did bad things in there," he told me, his hand in mine.
"It's OK, Will. I forgive you. Please just do a better job listening and obeying next time."
"OK, Mommy. I am really sorry. I promise I will be a good boy."
We loaded in the car and took off, headed for the next stop. About 5 minutes into our trip, I started praising Will for his sweet kindness at the nursing home. I told him how proud of him I was that he was so sweet to his GiGi and Gram, and even the other nice lady he didn't know.
"But I did bad things there, Mommy," his little voice said from the back.
"Oh, Will. It's OK. I forgave you for that."
"I know Mommy, but I did bad things. I am really sorry and I promise to be a good boy."
"Will," I said. "I forgave you. It is over. I have forgotten about it. Now let's just remember all the good things you did."
Later I thought of the words Will and I had shared with each other and how similar they are to the words God says to me.
"I'm so sorry God. I disobeyed. I sinned. I fell short of the way you created me. I made a big mistake and I am so sorry."
Although I don't usually hear God's voice aloud, I know His response to me always is, "You are forgiven. It is finished. I have forgotten your sins. They are as far as the East is from the West. Focus on me and all will be well."
But I find myself dwelling on my mistakes and failures. I can't seem to remember the things I have done well. I can't seem to remember my service to God, my family, my friends, my church. I can't seem to remember that God has already forgiven me.
Do you ever find yourself in this situation? Repeatedly apologizing for something you did that YOU can't let go of? If we could only remember that God has forgiven us. He forgave us when He sent His only son to die on a cross for our sins. In John chapter 3 verse 16, it says, “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life."
And just as we love our own children or our own family and are able to forgive them over and over - sometimes for the same thing over and over - God continually forgives us our sins. We do not have to pay the price. Jesus already did that.
Colossians 2:13-14 "You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross."
Psalm 103:12 He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.
Isaiah 43:25 “I—yes, I alone—will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again."
Romans 8:1-2 "So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death."
Romans 8:31-39 "What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us. Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Where is God When ... You Dream
Several nights ago, I awoke in the middle of the night greatly disturbed by my dream. It was the worst dream I have ever had. It bothered me so much that I had to have my husband comfort and reassure me.
I haven't been able to shake those images, the words that were spoken and the details of the dream. I couldn't figure it out at first, but as I retold it to a dear friend, God showed me what He meant by the things He let me dream. She suggested I write it out, so here it is.
I was in my childhood home. It was at night and there were many people there, including my husband and my two sons. My parents were there and so were many others who I have previously known and some who I casually know now.
It seemed as if the electricity was out. I was down stairs with most of the women and small children. It had been raining and we were using candles to light our way. I don't remember the topic, but I do remember I had my younger son on my hip. In my dream he was a baby, less than a year old.
My husband, my dad and my oldest son were in the garage, which is down half a story from the rest of my parent's first floor. They were all tinkering, possibly trying to get the electricity back on.
Suddenly the floor shook and a rumble rolled through the house. All the women screamed and the little children cried. The noise came from the garage. Smoke seaped into the house and we could see it, although it was still dark inside. It was clear we needed to leave the house, so as we moved to the front door, I looked to the top landing of the upstairs. A pinkish, red light glowed from the bedrooms, filling the landing. And a black silhoutte of a man hovered inches above the floor. It was evil and I knew it.
I hurried out, very afraid at this point. We made it outside and down the sidewalk and looked for the first time into the garage. A Massavie crater had swalled the floor and all the men and boys inside of the garage. I knew immediately that my husband, my father and my son were in the pit, which seemed to be smoldering.
The women screamed and cried. We knew our men and boys were down there. And we didn't have any idea how to get them back. It was terrifying.
Sirens began to whail as police and rescue workers converged on the scene. I was desperate to find my husband and my dad, but strangely, I never questioned the welfare of my older son.
As I watched in horror a woman whom I knew tapped me on the shoulder. (This is someone I knew from several years ago who I haven't seen or heard from in years and who now lives in another state.) She offered to take my baby and another woman's baby back to her house to care from them. I let her because I knew her to be a caregiver and honest and trustworthy.
As she cradeled my son, I noticed that both he and the other baby were naked.
My dream then shifted and I was now in a large city. It was still nighttime and there were people everywhere. It was busy and I knew I needed to get back to my parent's home. I started trying to find my way, but I didn't know where I was so it made it difficult to get home. I was searching for my husband and my father and trying to find them. I was walking over bridges and through office buildings and going up and down elevators. I was lost.
Again the earth began to shake. This time rubble began to fall off the skyscapers and hit the concrete below. Now I was desperate to find my husband and father. People were screaming and running in all directions. I saw a bridge that I knew I needed to cross if I was going to find them. The bridge was shaking and underneath a giant volcano was erupting. But I had to cross.
Before I went across the bridge, I called my best friend, who lives a days drive away from me now and told her I needed her to come to me. But then I realized that the world was ending. I knew in my head that the world wouldbe over soon. I threw down my phone and went to the bridge.
I saw someone I knew running toward me. They told me that had seen my husband. I began to run. The bridge was swaying and there were no rails on the thin passage, but I ran. I had to find him.
And then I saw him. He had some scratches on his face, but he was ok. I ran to him and we embraced as I sobbed. He was safe. He was ok. I was with him now.
Together we ran back to the house where my mom was waiting for any word on my dad. Men were being brought up in stretchers and some were alive and some were not. There was still no sign of my dad.
I ran to the pit and laid on my stomach and leaned at the waist so I could see below. There were tunnels underground and they were all smoldering. I yelled for my dad, but I did not see him.
I went back up and knew he was lost. And I knew the world was ending. I was sad not to be with my sons, but never feared for them. My husband sat to my left with his arm around me and my mom sat to my right. She had been looking for my dad, too, and was cut and bruised. She still was holding on to the hope that my dad would be found.
I put my arm around her and tried to tell her that it was the end of the world, but she did not believe me. I tried to tell her about Jesus and she wouldn't listen.....
I sat up in bed without finishing my dream and my heart was racing. It was too awful and too painful for me to think about but the dream would not leave my head. I didn't even want to go back to sleep for fear of entering the dream again.
As I was telling my friend about my dream, it was as if God interpreted it for me. There was meaning behind almost every detail.
My Parent's Home: The place I usually dream about when I dream about being "home." It is a place of safety and refuge inmy dreams.
Darkness: The lack of light represented evil.
Women upstairs/men downstairs: This represented the men in our lives who try to fix everything for us and care for us. The women represented the world.
The red light and man's silhoutte at the top of the stairs: This has a very specific meaning to me, but generally, this represented evil to the inth degree, satan.
The pit: This represented hell.
The babies: The young children and babies represented innocence, especially the two naked babies. (The second baby was the child of a acquaintance of mine who I do not believe is a Christian, yet her child was still innocent because of his age.)
My older son: At first I was confused why I wasn't concerned for the welfare of my older son, but it is because I knew that he was safe. I knew that if he died, there was no question in my mind that he would be in heaven.
My parents: Neither of my parents have accepted Christ as their Lord and personal saviors. My dad entered the pit and he was not to return. My mom didn't, but I couldn't get through to her at the end of my dream.
My husband: My husband has only become a Christian in the last year, so although he was at first "in the pit" he eneded up safe on the outside, or safe with an assurance of eternity with God in heaven. The sweet reunion we had in my dream is the way I imagine it will be when we arrive in Heaven and are reunited with Jesus and God and all of our loved ones who arrived before us.
My Search: I was desperate to pull my loved ones out of the pit, but I could not. Only the rescuers could. I have felt like it is my responsibility to save my family, but I know that only Christ can do that.
The end of the world: It is no coincidence that I am studying Genesis at church and have been looking at God's judgment and anger and how it relates to me.
It is amazing to me that God can show us things about ourselves, our loved ones, our fears, are anxieties and our lessons even in our dreams. I dread thinking about what will happen if I cannot share Christ's love with my loved ones and they do not accept his grace. I fear loss. I fear darkness and evil. I fear my past. I fear the future. And until now, I have feared God's judgment.
But as he showed me about my dream, he showed me that I am ready for judgment. I am ready for the end. And although I am in NO hurry, whenever it happens, it is well with my soul. I might miss my children, but I have the assurance of my desitination and of my safety.
Thank you God for all the things you have done, are doing and will do for me. You show me the path even when I don't know I am looking. You are my savior and I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me. Amen.
I haven't been able to shake those images, the words that were spoken and the details of the dream. I couldn't figure it out at first, but as I retold it to a dear friend, God showed me what He meant by the things He let me dream. She suggested I write it out, so here it is.
I was in my childhood home. It was at night and there were many people there, including my husband and my two sons. My parents were there and so were many others who I have previously known and some who I casually know now.
It seemed as if the electricity was out. I was down stairs with most of the women and small children. It had been raining and we were using candles to light our way. I don't remember the topic, but I do remember I had my younger son on my hip. In my dream he was a baby, less than a year old.
My husband, my dad and my oldest son were in the garage, which is down half a story from the rest of my parent's first floor. They were all tinkering, possibly trying to get the electricity back on.
Suddenly the floor shook and a rumble rolled through the house. All the women screamed and the little children cried. The noise came from the garage. Smoke seaped into the house and we could see it, although it was still dark inside. It was clear we needed to leave the house, so as we moved to the front door, I looked to the top landing of the upstairs. A pinkish, red light glowed from the bedrooms, filling the landing. And a black silhoutte of a man hovered inches above the floor. It was evil and I knew it.
I hurried out, very afraid at this point. We made it outside and down the sidewalk and looked for the first time into the garage. A Massavie crater had swalled the floor and all the men and boys inside of the garage. I knew immediately that my husband, my father and my son were in the pit, which seemed to be smoldering.
The women screamed and cried. We knew our men and boys were down there. And we didn't have any idea how to get them back. It was terrifying.
Sirens began to whail as police and rescue workers converged on the scene. I was desperate to find my husband and my dad, but strangely, I never questioned the welfare of my older son.
As I watched in horror a woman whom I knew tapped me on the shoulder. (This is someone I knew from several years ago who I haven't seen or heard from in years and who now lives in another state.) She offered to take my baby and another woman's baby back to her house to care from them. I let her because I knew her to be a caregiver and honest and trustworthy.
As she cradeled my son, I noticed that both he and the other baby were naked.
My dream then shifted and I was now in a large city. It was still nighttime and there were people everywhere. It was busy and I knew I needed to get back to my parent's home. I started trying to find my way, but I didn't know where I was so it made it difficult to get home. I was searching for my husband and my father and trying to find them. I was walking over bridges and through office buildings and going up and down elevators. I was lost.
Again the earth began to shake. This time rubble began to fall off the skyscapers and hit the concrete below. Now I was desperate to find my husband and father. People were screaming and running in all directions. I saw a bridge that I knew I needed to cross if I was going to find them. The bridge was shaking and underneath a giant volcano was erupting. But I had to cross.
Before I went across the bridge, I called my best friend, who lives a days drive away from me now and told her I needed her to come to me. But then I realized that the world was ending. I knew in my head that the world wouldbe over soon. I threw down my phone and went to the bridge.
I saw someone I knew running toward me. They told me that had seen my husband. I began to run. The bridge was swaying and there were no rails on the thin passage, but I ran. I had to find him.
And then I saw him. He had some scratches on his face, but he was ok. I ran to him and we embraced as I sobbed. He was safe. He was ok. I was with him now.
Together we ran back to the house where my mom was waiting for any word on my dad. Men were being brought up in stretchers and some were alive and some were not. There was still no sign of my dad.
I ran to the pit and laid on my stomach and leaned at the waist so I could see below. There were tunnels underground and they were all smoldering. I yelled for my dad, but I did not see him.
I went back up and knew he was lost. And I knew the world was ending. I was sad not to be with my sons, but never feared for them. My husband sat to my left with his arm around me and my mom sat to my right. She had been looking for my dad, too, and was cut and bruised. She still was holding on to the hope that my dad would be found.
I put my arm around her and tried to tell her that it was the end of the world, but she did not believe me. I tried to tell her about Jesus and she wouldn't listen.....
I sat up in bed without finishing my dream and my heart was racing. It was too awful and too painful for me to think about but the dream would not leave my head. I didn't even want to go back to sleep for fear of entering the dream again.
*****
As I was telling my friend about my dream, it was as if God interpreted it for me. There was meaning behind almost every detail.
My Parent's Home: The place I usually dream about when I dream about being "home." It is a place of safety and refuge inmy dreams.
Darkness: The lack of light represented evil.
Women upstairs/men downstairs: This represented the men in our lives who try to fix everything for us and care for us. The women represented the world.
The red light and man's silhoutte at the top of the stairs: This has a very specific meaning to me, but generally, this represented evil to the inth degree, satan.
The pit: This represented hell.
The babies: The young children and babies represented innocence, especially the two naked babies. (The second baby was the child of a acquaintance of mine who I do not believe is a Christian, yet her child was still innocent because of his age.)
My older son: At first I was confused why I wasn't concerned for the welfare of my older son, but it is because I knew that he was safe. I knew that if he died, there was no question in my mind that he would be in heaven.
My parents: Neither of my parents have accepted Christ as their Lord and personal saviors. My dad entered the pit and he was not to return. My mom didn't, but I couldn't get through to her at the end of my dream.
My husband: My husband has only become a Christian in the last year, so although he was at first "in the pit" he eneded up safe on the outside, or safe with an assurance of eternity with God in heaven. The sweet reunion we had in my dream is the way I imagine it will be when we arrive in Heaven and are reunited with Jesus and God and all of our loved ones who arrived before us.
My Search: I was desperate to pull my loved ones out of the pit, but I could not. Only the rescuers could. I have felt like it is my responsibility to save my family, but I know that only Christ can do that.
The end of the world: It is no coincidence that I am studying Genesis at church and have been looking at God's judgment and anger and how it relates to me.
It is amazing to me that God can show us things about ourselves, our loved ones, our fears, are anxieties and our lessons even in our dreams. I dread thinking about what will happen if I cannot share Christ's love with my loved ones and they do not accept his grace. I fear loss. I fear darkness and evil. I fear my past. I fear the future. And until now, I have feared God's judgment.
But as he showed me about my dream, he showed me that I am ready for judgment. I am ready for the end. And although I am in NO hurry, whenever it happens, it is well with my soul. I might miss my children, but I have the assurance of my desitination and of my safety.
Thank you God for all the things you have done, are doing and will do for me. You show me the path even when I don't know I am looking. You are my savior and I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me. Amen.
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