Where is God When ... Grace is Needed

I have only been a Christian for about 8 years. In many ways, when I crossed over the line of faith I was sold out, totally committed, wholly devoted to Christianity and its mission (Matthew 28:19-20). But it wasn't until about 2 1/2 years ago that I truly began to grow in my faith.

And when that happened, something else happened to me, too. As a part of my new-found convictions, I began to have this growing disease lurking under the surface. Most people couldn't see it. But judgment lurked.

As a person, I am a love everybody type of girl. But as a believer I began to grow a chip on my shoulder - as many Christians do. My close friends saw it. I started to impose my convictions on their decisions. And as much as I tried to fight that feeling, and as much as I tried to convince myself that it was a personal conviction and I wasn't judging others, it turns out that I have been.

That ugly picture of myself was never more clear than it has been this week. For whatever reason, through circumstances in my family, in my friendships and in my Bible study, God has been pointing out my judgment and hypocrisy.

You see I know I am not better than everyone else. I know I am a sinner just like the rest of us. And I know that God has forgiven me. My problem is that I forget my depravity until God smacks me with it between my eyes.

The smack down for me came as I was praying in the shower this week. I asked God to remind me of a time that my sin was public and out there for all to see. (I have plenty of personal and private sin that only a few see, and I have sin that only God sees. But I was looking for something pretty public.)

Within a millisecond God reminded me of something that I am still ashamed of that I did several years ago, before I had children, but a couple of years after I gave my life to him.

I was coaching a little boys under-12 soccer team. We had all kinds of boys on the team, some talented, some who were out to have fun, some that went through the motions because their parents signed them up and one little boy who had never played before and most assuredly wouldn't play again.

He was a sweet little boy who had never played sports. He was a little slow and awkward, but he worked really hard. He always tried his hardest in whatever he did. And even though his work ethic was great, his talent wasn't.

So when our little team went to an end-of-the-season tournament, he was so excited. He had never played in a tournament before and probably wouldn't again. He was fired up and felt like he had hit the big time, which he most definitely had.

I loved this little boy. I had a special place in my heart for him. So when I went to check in our team and noticed at the last minute that his name was not on the roster, I chose to not tell the registrar. I knew this boy had joined late and we probably picked up the wrong roster. And I had not looked at it before then (which was my FIRST mistake).

I didn't think it would be a problem. No one had ever checked our rosters before, so I wasn't concerned. Until right before our first game started. A tournament official appeared with the roster. And I panicked.

My heart raced, I started sweating and I made a terrible decision. I chose to lie and tell the official that this little boy was another little boy who was on the roster but not at the tournament.

And then I made another more terrible decision. I told this innocent boy to give a false name. I asked a 10 year old to lie to cover up my mistake.

I still feel shame about this. It is hard for me to write it. But God showed it to me this week for a reason, and part of that reason is to share it with you.

As the official walked down the line, and my stomach began to turn, this sweet little boy gave a false name. He must have been as bad of a liar as I am. She saw through him. Her suspicion caused her to ask his birth date, which he gave, but it wasn't the birth date of the boy whose name he gave.

I crumbled into a sobbing mess of I'm sorries, shame, humiliation and self-loathing. I managed to tell the official what happened through a broken language of cries and apologies. And then I had to apologize to my boys and tell them to NEVER do what I just had done. I was wrong.

AND THEN I HAD TO TELL THEIR PARENTS WHAT I HAD DONE. I made the longest walk I had ever made to the sidelines to explain to them what had happened. I also had to explain to this little boy's dad that he wouldn't be able to play in the game, or the rest of the tournament unless we got a new roster.

I still feel the knot in my stomach that I had that day. I was unable to regain my composure through the entire game. I couldn't talk to the parents because I was crying. The little boy didn't play and we lost. It was a completely horrible experience.

Another dad on my team drove an hour to pick up a correct roster so the left-out little guy could play, which he did the rest of the tournament. The parents took my defense and immediately forgave me. They believed the best in me and knew that my mistake didn't make who I am.

But the story doesn't end there. I got sent to soccer court. The state soccer association put me on trial to see if I needed to be suspended for my actions that day. I received a certified letter and was allowed to bring people to testify in my defense. It was a humbling experience to say the least. I had to go through a trial and ask parents from the team to act as character witnesses on my behalf even though the mistake I made deserved swift and harsh punishment. I could have had my coaching license revoked and they could have never allowed me to coach again.

I was "convicted" and sentenced to "time already served." I was suspended for a short time when I wouldn't be coaching anyway. I deserved that and more, but I was shown grace.

I was shown grace by the courts, by the parents of my players and by the players. I was shown grace by my sweet husband who supported me through it. And I was shown grace by God. He forgave me for my sin.

And even though my mistake is on my "record" in the Oklahoma Soccer Association office, it's off the record in God's book. He forgave and forgot. Isn't that what we all hope for? Forgiveness and forgetfulness?

And while the people who knew about my mistake could have decided that I was a liar, they also seemed to forget my mistake. They believed the best in me and didn't see me as a liar who was finally found out, but a person who made a big mistake. And it was a mistake they chose not to define me by.

Although many years have passed and I have my own children now, I have not forgotten that very public mistake I made. And it reminds me that my attitude of judgment is complete hypocrisy. Why should I think anyone is any different than I am? We are all sinners and God says all sin is the same. So whether I asked a 10 year old to lie or I robbed a bank, the sin is the same to God. And it is all equally forgiven when we ask for God's forgiveness.

Now my sin is judgment. And I know it has grieved God.

God, forgive me for judging and forgive me for not realizing it until now. Thank you for reminding me not to judge a person by their mistakes like I wasn't judged by mine. I know you love us all the same and forgive us all the same. I know that you are the only judge, the only court that matters. And you are a judge that erases our mistakes, even when we have to pay the earthly consequences. Thank you for loving me in spite of me. Amen.