Where is God When Your Fears Overwhelm You

I have a problem with fear and anxiety. I've had it since I was in first grade. As a kid I would be paralyzed with fear, and some days it was so bad, I couldn't go to school.

As an adult, it affects me every day of my life. I think about my fear and my anxiety and I let my brain imagine worse case scenarios too often.

If this were a confessional, I would be telling you every detail of my fears, panic attacks and the root cause. But since this is a blog, I will share the basics so you get the idea.

When I was 7, I got a stomach virus. My mom was out of town and I was home with my dad. I remember this event vividly. After I started to get better, my dad caught the bug from me. And when he became physically ill, he was very loud. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do and was sure he was dying. I called my grandmother and asked her to come and get me and told her my daddy was dying.

Although he was not dying, this event scarred me. As a counselor recently told me, it was like a 220-volt event in my little 9-volt brain. Since that event I have had an extreme phobia of vomit. It is embarrassing to tell you this to say the least. As an adult and since I have had two of my own children, you can imagine this fear has only gotten worse. For a long time I didn't understand why I couldn't even be in the same house with my own sick child and why I would have panic attacks anytime they were sick. But after counseling I came to the root of my fear - death of a loved one, specifically one of my kids or my husband.

I think it is safe to say most people's worst fear is losing the people they are closest to. While I can rationalize that vomit does not equal death, I can't seem to shut off that switch in my brain that tells me otherwise.

But God is good and has been dealing with this problem I have lovingly, gently and somewhat radically. There have been many things during the past couple of years that have convinced me that God wants to heal me, but the past two weeks have it looking like He is ready for me to deal with this NOW.

Two weeks ago, I actually met someone who has the same phobia that I do. And it isn't that she is bothered or really doesn't like it. She, too, has panic attacks and basically shuts down when one of her children or her husband vomits. It was the first time I could look someone in the eye and feel like they could truly understand. Although my closest friends and husband are very understanding and loving, it is impossible for them to understand this problem. But my new friend can. And I really needed that. It made me feel a little less crazy.

And then last week, in a two day span, the reality of loss hit close to me. A family from our church lost their 21-month-old son and another friend lost her husband. It was my worst fears realized by these other people.

This healthy, beautiful boy died very unexpectedly. The tragedy could not be any worse for this family. He was their only child.

My other friend who I attended Bible study with lost her husband in a military helicopter crash in Iraq. He went off to war and will never come home. She has three young boys and now is a widow. Her husband was only 37.

As you can imagine, any loss is traumatic, but such sudden, unexpected losses are my worst fear. God was able to use these horrible tragedies to speak to me profoundly.

I attended the celebration of life service this weekend for the little baby who died. The two things that struck me the most were the unexplainable grief his parents were experiencing. I was deeply affected by listening to their sobs and deep breaths as they entered the funeral to see a church full of people who cared about them.

The other thing that happened that I will carry with me forever is beautiful. A choir that the little boy who died loved came and sang at the service. Their first song was just after the eulogy of a 21-month-old. There was deep sadness all across the auditorium. But when the choir sang, they worshipped God with an upbeat emotional song.

Immediately when they began, the father of this little boy jumped to his feet and began to clap along with the music. The mom stood immediately, too, and then the rest of the hundreds of mourners followed. As I watched this dad, he was praising God. His head was raised, his body was light and he actually was smiling as he worshipped His creator.

In that moment, God spoke to me. What I was witnessing was true joy in the Lord. Despite the most horrible grief anyone could experience, this father went from barely able being able to breathe to worshipping God with joy. God promised me at that moment that if I were to ever lose someone I loved, that despite the grief I, too, would have joy in the Lord.

It is no coincidence of the timing of these two tragedies. While they are not related, God related them to me. He is lovingly and gently dealing with my fears be promising me that He is in control.

I know I have a choice in bad times. I can either fall apart or fall into the arms of the Lord. I feel like for the first time in my life, I can honestly say I would fall into His arms. While I know I will still be battling anxiety, I have reassurance now that even if the worst happened and all my fears were realized, I could be OK. Not OK with the loss, but OK with God's provision and love.

God promises us to work things out for our good when we love Him. He promises us that HE has a plan for our lives and it is a good plan not for harm. He promises us that He is the author of our destiny. He promises us that if we believe in Him and receive His salvation, we will have an eternity with Him in Heaven.

I believe God is who he says He is and He is a God who always keeps His promises. I believe He can get us through anything if we let Him.

As I pray for these families who have been devastated by tragedy, I will pray that they can look to these very promises for comfort and healing.